Eight years ago, I met Jesus at the age of 22. I said to Him, “Lord I give You everything, I hold nothing back!” He so gently touched an unhealed hurt. Yet I recoiled and remembered saying, “No! I was the victim there. ” God is a gentleman. If we refuse to give Him something, He will not just take it.
So for the next eight years of knowing Him, I wasn’t free. I sang about the chain breaker, but carried around my own heavy shackles. I was full of shame, regret, and condemnation, because I had agreed with if for 14 years.
My heart’s desire was closeness with Him and to really know the Holy Spirit. I desired to feel His presence, but could never figure out what I was doing wrong! I read His word for eight years and prayed. My prayers were even answered, but no “stirring the gift within you” was possible for me. Whenever I tired, it was as if I were trying to walk through heavy think mud. But, I never gave up. I held true to God’s promises, “seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.” I kept begging for closeness.
One day the Lord said so clearly to me (which didn’t happen often at the time), “I’m going to take you deeper.” I was overjoyed! This was everything I had wanted!
Two weeks later, myself and my closest group of friends waited in anticipation to become “Squad Baby Aunts and Uncles” as the first of us to become parents, David and Elisa Cobb gave birth to their Son Abraham.
To everyone’s disbelief, Abraham died shortly after He was born.
The morning after his death, still in shock, I sat on my knees crying as my husband held me, feeling the overwhelming devastation for our dear friends loss, the Lord spoke clearly again, this time saying, “They didn’t have a choice, but you did.”
I knew exactly what He was referring to, the undealt with abortion I had at 16, and He was going to deal with this in me once and for all in order to “take me deeper” with Him.
He reminded me of this unhealed abortion and demolished the walls I had built around it to protect myself from it. For 2 days, I experienced a festering hurt like I had never felt before until I finally surrendered it to Him. When I did, He lifted the 14 years of shame as if it were a stray hair.
Wind back 14 years to the young age of 16. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and soon found myself pregnant. Confused and naïve, I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no relationship or thought of God, but I did have a tiny hope in my heart that I wanted to keep the baby.
At that time, I shared with my mom that I was pregnant. She asked me what I was going to do. She waited silently for an answer, but I became too afraid to tell her that I wanted to keep my child. As she waited for my response, I finally uttered what I believed she wanted to hear, “I’ll have an abortion.” Immediately, I felt that small inkling of hope within diminish. Blame toward my mother rushed in my heart.
After the procedure, I went home and slept. As I woke up the next morning, I believed that I had successfully stuffed into the depth of my being all despair and regret.
Two weeks later, I remember waking up feeling devastated, hoping it was a terrible nightmare but also confused, empty, lost, broken, and shocked. I felt as though a piece of me was left at that cold, dead, hopeless place when I walked out that evening. I believed that the only one to blame was the one who made me do it, my mother.
I remained a subconsciously ashamed individual for the next 14 years of my life. In my heart and mind, she (my mother) made me do it, not me. I was the victim, and it was as if she had held me down and forced me (which she didn’t).
Fast forward 14 years, after I fully surrendered to Jesus what I had done, and he lifted the shame, I realized how much more emotional and mental damage the abortion had caused me.
I found a healing post abortive recovery ministry called SaveOne at a local church. Through their 10 week healing bible study lead by my blessed leaders Sandy and Beth, the Lord worked wonders in my heart and mind. I acknowledged fault, repented of the abortion, forgave my mother, forgave myself, and fully surrendered my entire life to Jesus. I found deliverance and emotional healing in ways that I didn’t know were necessary, or possible.
I am truly honored and humbled to be a daughter of the One True King!
My journey has ignited in me a passion to educate women and extend hope after an abortion, as well as walking alongside them to lead them through it.
We have since started Beautiful Redemption here at Lamb’s Chapel, a ministry that functions as a voice for women who need encouragement, hope, and healing from the One and only Redeemer.
If I can leave all who have experienced this with one word, it would be redemption; God redeems all things.