As I was gazing in the distance, saying goodbye to my home in the country that I loved and thanking God for one more opportunity to enjoy the beautiful sunset, I saw Jesus standing in the corner of my eye. I continued to gaze, knowing He was there, and He spoke this to me, “What are you going to do about that one?” My heart knew what He was talking about. It was my past abortions. Looking back on that moment as I was standing there, I knew my life was about to change. I was moving from my country home, my safe place where Jesus met with me as I walked wooded paths. This is the home where I taught my children and grandchildren about Jesus.
I heard the call to sell our home one evening as I was standing next to our pond enjoying a sunset. God spoke and told me that it was time to move from this place where you now live. All I could say was, “You are going to have to help me with this request, for my heart is very connected to this home.” I knew it just made sense. Nothing was quite the same as before. God was calling me to a new place. So, when Jesus asked me what was I going to do about that one, I trembled and said, “Oh no, not that, anything but that.” There were so many other parts of my journey with God I was able to discuss. How could I possibly share this part of my life that has been hidden under the bed for thirty years? Jesus spoke this to me, “It doesn’t belong to you anymore, it belongs to me; I purchased it from you. Will you let me use it?” When Jesus revealed to my heart that it did not belong to me anymore, I felt this burden of hiding lifted from my shoulders and freedom to share about my abortion. I did not know how and when it would happen, but I knew that He wanted to use this part of my life to help someone else. Therefore, I would be obedient and say, “yes.” I could share with others that I had one abortion, but that would be denying the other two that I had. This was even more difficult to comprehend. Jesus spoke this, “Each baby is very important to me and I have them kept in heaven.” I saw Jesus’ arms folded as if He was holding an infant. “Do not deny that each child ever existed. This world is temporary. I have made an eternal plan even for the unborn.” He asked, “Will you let me use your testimony of forgiveness for having an abortion? Will you speak up to the lies that are being told that it is good for a woman to have an abortion if it is what she chooses. It is not good!”
As I have shared and will continue to share, I do not expound on the details of my choices to have abortions, I only want to Glorify God as the One who forgives all sin and brings freedom from the shame of sin. This I will share. The young woman who made these choices did not fully understand who God was. At eighteen I had no relationship with Jesus, but I knew that being pregnant right before graduating high school would bring shame, and I did not want to be that girl. The second two, I would say that I was a Christian living on a sandy foundation. I wanted these babies, but my fear of man’s rejection was greater than my fear of God. But as the forgiveness and healing have come, I can testify that Truth is my anchor and my foundation is secure on the Rock. I will share openly of my wrong choices so that other women and men will know the Power of the cross for forgiveness and freedom.
Because I had hidden this from everyone in my life, I had to tell those closest to me about the abortions. I did not know how I would tell anyone that I had three abortions, but God made the way. The first person that I told was my son. We are close and in ministry together. After he had a diving accident at the age of 18 and became paralyzed, a ministry began that took us to places and people to share the Hope of God that comes in the most difficult of times, and to share how near Jesus comes to the broken-hearted. The parts of my life where sin abounded, I had wanted so much to keep from him. He only knew his mother as a mom who loved and talked about God all the time. My son was 23 when I shared this part of my life with him. As I did, he looked at me with such compassion and said, “Praise God!” He knows the God of redemption and where sin abounds Grace abounds more. For thirty years I was afraid of this truth in my life, but Jesus has a greater Truth, the Cross was enough. I am redeemed! You, too, are redeemed. My desire is that being transparent with my life’s story will encourage other women to believe that the cross was enough for them and they can now be free from the grips of shame. It is in an intimate relationship with Jesus where He will speak to your heart that He loves you, and He will remove your guilt and shame.